I joined Selena and her sister Anna to see Twilight this weekend and realized I completely misunderstood the whole vampire lore. Thankfully teenage-love-drama writer Stephanie Meyer was able to set me straight. Here’s what I learned from Twilight:

1. Vampires are hot!

   The female ones… sort of, but definitely the male ones. They are the hottest people around. In fact, if you look around your classroom or office and there is one person who is disproportionally hotter than everyone else, you should give him a wink as to say, “Your secret is safe, but know that I know, that you are a vampire.”

2. Vampires are great at baseball

   All of them, and at any position on the field and at hitting.  They are all phenoms, and they love to play. I would not be surprised to find out that Babe Ruth and Barry Bonds spent the bulk of their careers secretly undead.

3. Vampires have super powers

   And not just being able to change into a bat or charm women. No, vampires have Justice League worthy super-powers like reading minds or seeing the future. They also have super physical powers like the ability to race up tall redwoods Crouching Tiger style. Maybe ninjas are secretly vampires too. I bet Stephanie Meyers covers that in the later books.

4. Vampires have bad vision

   As a predatory race I would have thought they would have a keener sense of vision, but Edward was constantly having to stare really hard, for long periods of time, awkwardly and inappropriately in order to get a look at Bella. Edward tried to resolve this by purchasing multiple sets of color contacts and then practiced looking at Bella while she was sleeping.

5. Vampires wear body glitter

   And not just when they are clubbing, they wear it all the time.  They glitter like they are covered in diamonds but it is most visible in the daylight. Its like a built in tanning lotion: SPH 14 karat. I’ll bet all those past generation of vampires were pretty embarrassed when they realized they could have gone out in the sun the whole time, and actually not die, but glisten and look even hotter then their normal hot selves.

Coming out of Twilight, I found myself wondering, what the hell are Blade and Buffy and Van Helsing’s problems. Vampires are awesome. We could only be so lucky as to have an Edward in our town or school, befriending our daughters while resisting the urge to eat them.

Thank you Stephanie Meyer for showing us all the truth.