Everything I ever knew about childbirth from school, books, movies, TV, even childbirth classes, were shot about a month ago when we found out that there was a 90% chance that we would have to deliver by C-section. I missed out on the typical going into labor, water breaking, frantic dash to the car with bags and speeding off to the hospital. I missed out on being in labor for X hours, the pushing, and finishing everything off with a baby shooting out. Instead, I had a completely different experience.

I knew exactly what day I would be delivering, and what time. That gave me weeks to be freaked out about it, not unlike Barney Stinson, waiting around for Slapsgiving. Our appointment then got postponed, because of another mother in delivery which required my doctor’s immediate attention. It was like adding an unknown number of hours to the Slapsgiving Day clock and that didn’t help.

Eventually, my doctor came in and told us they weren’t close to done with the other mother, so they could slip us in, in between. What??? No way, I thought. Take all the time you need. No need to “slip us in” and have to rush through our operation! But the wheels were already in motion (literally!) and the next hour was probably the most surreal hour of my life.

I won’t pretend I was brave about it. As soon as my hospital bed started moving, I was shaking in fear uncontrollably. Ultimately though, the most painful part of the day was an IV that went in that morning to hydrate me. The anesthesia to the spine felt like a bee sting at worst, and everything went warm from the waist down. Then a screen went up and if weren’t for my doctor actually narrating (“I see a foot! I see the butt!”) I wouldn’t have known what was going on down there. I turned to Greg at one point with a confused look and said, “I THINK I’m giving birth.”

A baby was out in less than 10 minutes. The next 30 were spent stitching me up. The whole process took no more than an hour, and felt like people pushing on my stomach at the worst. Because of this, we are convinced that after the screen went up, the doctors brought in a basket of babies, picked one out that kinda looked like us, and put it next to us. Then, to make me feel like I had done something, they futzed around with my organs a bit. Perhaps turned my intestines into a balloon animal so that it would hurt every time I went to the bathroom.

Now, I think the recovery process has been payback for all the usual pains that I missed out on with a natural delivery. That’s been slow and painful. But we also think that’s because of the balloon poodle.