Going to see Fast and the Furiuos 6 on opening day was fantastic. Having built up to that by watching one Fast and Furious movie a night for the whole week leading up to it made for the Best Week Ever.
After six nights of watching the fast cars, crazy stunts and rediculous plots, here’s my guide to getting started living Fast and Furious:
1) Find the local street racing hangout spot.
Selena has taken to calling this “douchebag row” and it’s appropriate, because there are rows of tricked out cars lining each side of what is the street where the racing occurs, with lots of guys letting their cars do the talking and lots and lots of scantily-clad women happily being objectified. This underground social destination exists for sure in LA, Miami, Tokyo, Brazil, London and most likely in every major city if you look hard enough.
2) Carry twice the cash you need
When you arrive at douchebag row, you will probably piss someone off for no particular reason (they are douchey people after all), at which point you will need to race. You will talk about racing for the car title (known as pink slips) but those never seem to actually change hands (that would require signing things over, going to the DMV, lots of paperwork), what does realistically change hands is cash, lots of it. Come prepared to bet $2000 on your first race, and have that ready in a roll or money clip. Also have a backup $2000 in a seperate roll/money clip so you don’t miss a beat when one of your douchy race competitors boastfully suggests you double it.
3) Install NOS
What makes your car both fast and furious? Installing two tanks of nitrogen oxide with buttons on the dash to ignite them and rocket propel your car to the finish line. In some cultures, like Tokyo, it helps to know how to handle a sharp turn (called drifting), but for most of the world, strapping a rocket pack on your car when you add the racing stripes is sufficient.
To suppliment your losses from those $2000 racing bets, it helps to have a side business of stealing stuff, DVD players, drugs from drug lords, millions from corrupt politicians. Don’t worry if you don’t have the skills yourself to pull this off, street racers are a very tight knit community and will happily help you out despite the high risks. In fact, more often then not, the cops who should be trying to catch you will join in to help you finish the crime.
5) Nothing is more important than family.
But sometimes you will find yourself in a bind, or having to choose between letting a killer get away with a biological weapon that could kill millions or your sister. Family comes first. Choose to save your sister and don’t worry, the crime-fightiing organization and military will support your decision. And besides, you can always go back to stop the bad guy, because you know to…
6) Just go on through
The element of surprise goes a long way towards being an effectively fast and furious street racer or criminal or bad guy catcher. And nothing surprises folks more than when you ignore the common sense and the laws of physics to get to where you want to be faster (and more furiuosly). Is there a door or window or wall between you and where you want to be? Just run through it. Is there a building or moving airplane stopping you from getting away? Drive on through. Fast and furious foks know you can always get through if you just run or drive at it full speed.
That’s the short list, follow those rules and you will find your life is a whole lot more awesome.
What did I miss, please add your lessons for a Fast and Furious life into the comments.